The Weirdest Thing I've Done Today, Part Three.

I love coffee. I only discovered it fairly recently--when I moved to the city, actually--but I have since become an avid Starbucks fan. (And when I say "fan," I mean "snob." In the worst possible way, yes. I'm the person who gets unnecessarily frustrated when the person in front of me isn't prepared with exact change to pay for his or her order. I hate myself for this.) (And yet I also love myself for it. What can I say? I was born to be an elitist.)

So. I have two standard drinks: for cold weather, I get the grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte. For warm weather, I usually get an iced grande skinny vanilla latte. While spending a week with my fam in May, though, I was exposed to new and enticing Starbucks drink orders that I had never tried before. (Kristen, my little sister, is so much of a Starbucks pro that I want to sit at her feet, call her Sensei, and learn all that I can from her coffee-breath-laden voice.) One particular concoction invovled a chai frappuccino with soy milk and something about not using water. None of this really made any sense to me--I wasn't even entirely sure what a frappuccino was--but it tasted so delicious that I knew I'd have to start getting one on my own.

When it came time to place my order with the barista at the Starbucks I frequent on the Upper East Side, I said, as confidently as I'd whisperingly practiced on the walk from the bus stop to the Starbucks: "I'd like a grande chai frappuccino with soy milk." (Short falter and ensuing millisecond argument in Rachel's head: should I say the confusing part about the no water? Should I risk it? What if she asks me what I mean? Should I make shit up? Is it going to actually taste that horribly if I just let her put the imaginary water in? What should I do?)

"And...no water."

Naturally, the barista has no idea what this means.

"No water? It's not made with water."

"Yeah." (Sheepish grin/refusal to actually say that I don't know what I'm ordering/attempt to look cool via indifference.)

"So...what do you mean?"

(Panic, naturally. Must. Look. Cool. Say the only thing that can get you out of this situation gracefully. Your Starbucks snobbery must not be upended!)

(Titter beguilingly.) "Oh...you see, this drink order is for a friend. I'm just saying what she told me to get. I don't even know!" (Titter again.)

(Barista smiles knowingly. I have fooled no one.)



Now, really. Really? Really, Rachel? Did you need to LIE to the Starbucks barista just to save face?

Well...yes.